Beginnings
by 34G13
Summary: Sara finally has time to process her thoughts before arriving to Eos. Spoilers. M for language.


Sara was suddenly unaware of where she was. The only light she saw was that which made it through her eyelids. The last thing she remembered was sitting down on the couch in the Pathfinder quarters—she still felt uneasy calling them _her_ quarters—with a data pad in her hand, ready to bring up Eos reports. She had intended to skim over them for any relevant information before they reached the Pytheas system.

Right now, her worst fear was opening her eyes, just to see she'd passed out on the couch, her situation still everything she was struggling to believe it was. With a deep breath, she opened her eyes to see exactly that. She was lying on her side on the couch, though she didn't remember pulling herself into this position.

"Should've dragged a pillow over," She said to herself and she sat up slowly, trying to rub the stiffness out of her neck. It had not been a comfortable position to rest her head, and a moderate headache had come along with the stiffness. Her only relief came from looking out the window to find the void still in front of them, no planets in sight.

" _Fuck_ ," she muttered under a sigh as she rested her head in her hands.

 _Pathfinder_. It still hadn't sunk in. There hadn't been time. Things had pushed forward non-stop since she'd awakened from cryo. This was the first time she'd really been able to think about it.

 _And now we're here. Arrived to a galaxy that's far more fucked than we could have ever thought, and I'm in charge. I'm supposed to fix this._

Eos had failed. Twice. Sara had no idea how she could possibly fix it, but somehow, she had to. The girl couldn't help but to think she had already failed before even starting.

 _I wonder if dad ever had these thoughts. I wonder if Scott would have._

Dad and Scott. One dead, one unknown. Life had begun to feel lonely before they had left the Milky Way. Scott had kept her sane, especially through final prep for the journey to andromeda. But now, he was in a coma, and dad was gone.

 _Gone. He's really gone._

As mixed as her feelings were, she couldn't help but to give into the emotion. She felt tears coming on, but they only exacerbated her headache, which now seemed determined to press her eyes out of her skull. It took every ounce of will, but she stood up, now determined to find some pain killers. The girl stopped a few steps short of the door, hoping no one was roaming around. She knew everyone felt the same fatigue she had as they had boarded, so all she could do was hope they had acted on it.

 _If no one else, just Lexi,_ she thought. Sara would have to go to the med bay to find whatever she needed, and she was hoping she would not have to interact with anyone to do so. She dragged a thumb under her eye to clear away excess moisture, took a deep breath, and opened the door, revealing the short hall in front of her.

 _Clear,_ she saw, much to her relief. She quickly made her way down the hall to the med bay, only to find the door shut.

" _Shit,_ " She muttered, now faced with the dilemma of knocking or just walking in. If Lexi was in there, simply walking in might make it awkward. Knocking may have attracted attention, however. With another deep breath, she settled on the risk of an awkward encounter and opened the door. The room was empty. Another relief. She went to work quickly, finding a bottle of aspirin in a stash at the end of the room. At first, Sara only took three out of the bottle. She hesitated for a moment, then took another. She screwed the cap back on, then stared at the bottle for a hard second. The girl unscrewed the cap, put the pills back in the bottle, put the cap back on, then put the whole bottle in her pocket. She lifted her omni tool, her conscience getting the better of her, and sent a quick note to Lexi:

Took a bottle of aspirin.

For a moment, Sara stared at the text, wondering if she should add more. _Sorry,_ maybe. Perhaps, _had a headache._ Eventually, she settled on the few words she had typed down, and sent the message along, making sure her message pings were set to silent before she closed her tool.

 _The less information, the better. For now, anyway._ Sara knew Lexi would find out why eventually. She was not in the mood to explain herself right now.

She took the bottle back down the hall to the galley, again relieved to find the room empty. The ship seemed utterly quiet; perhaps everyone had given into the fatigue, especially considering the job ahead of them once they arrived to Eos. At the moment, though, Sara didn't care to wonder. She began rummaging through the cabinets, looking for a cup for water so she could take the damn pills. She stumbled onto a box of tea—a Japanese green blend—and figured that might help ease the headache away as well. Finally, she found a cup, poured in some hot water, and sat down at the table. The girl pulled the bottle back out, tossed a couple pills—probably more than necessary—into her mouth, and took a sip of the water, not minding the fact that the tea had not had time to steep. She let out a sigh, resting her arms on the table, and stared at the cup, watching the light brown color of the tea infuse with the water.

 _I'm not ready for this_.

Sara let that thought sink into her head for a good, long while. She had no idea how much time had passed when she head the galley doors slide open.

"Oh! Sara. I'm sorry, I didn't know anyone was awake."

"It's all right, Suvi. Just… having some trouble staying in one place."

"I imagine," Suvi replied softly, letting her eyes drift downward. She still stood in the doorway, but took a few steps into the room as she spoke. "It can't be easy."

"Yeah… there's… a lot to do," Sara replied, mustering as professional of a tone as she could. She reminded herself she had only just met a few of these people. They, like everyone else in the damn cluster, were probably looking to her for motivation.

"No, not… well, I guess that, too, but I meant your father. Losing him." Suvi spoke as she poured her own cup of tea, eventually coming to sit next to Sara.

"It was a… complicated… relationship," Sara said in the same bleak monotone of professionalism she tried to muster.

"That doesn't mean you didn't care, and it doesn't mean you aren't hurting," Suvi said emphatically, leaning over to try to force herself into Sara's line of sight. The pathfinder was still transfixed by the cup of tea she had barely touched. Seeing Sara wasn't fazed, the doctor slowly raised a hand and placed it on the girl's shoulder.

To Sara, the touch was unexpected. Not startling or jarring, but a touch that still elicited an emotional response. On the surface, she still stared intently at her cup of now-cold tea, but her mind had begun to race once more, as if the simple touch activated a flow of thoughts and emotions waiting to be set free.

A tear fought free from Sara's eye. It rolled halfway down her cheek before she finally, and somewhat violently, moved again; a swift brush of her fingertips across her cheek to remove the moisture. She sniffed and swallowed as she tried to come up with something to say. The girl knew she couldn't keep her thoughts buried forever—something almost everyone had said to her since they had boarded the Tempest.

"I'm… I'm sorry," Sara said, stumbling over her words through the choke of emotion in her throat.

"It's alright. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, but I'm here. Here to listen if you do." Sara took a deep breath, trying to collect herself once more.

"Like I said, dad and I… us… it was complicated. We weren't close. There were moments… happier than others, I guess, but… nothing really stands out. Dad was always focused on his work, and if he wasn't actively buried in it, it was still in the front of his mind. It was obvious. Like a trance he'd fall into. It was bad enough that he was never really there for us because of that, but the public shame that was brought on him ended up ruining mine and Scott's careers as well. We—Scott and I—had every right to be upset with him. And we were, for the longest time."

"What changed?"

"The Initiative," Sara replied under a sigh. "It gave all of us purpose again. And… I don't know. Perhaps it was a silly hope, but I thought, maybe, just maybe, working so closely together as the pathfinder team would bring the Ryders closer together as well. I hoped it would give me a chance to get to know my father. If not? I kept hoping. Perhaps, that the Initiative would satisfy whatever goal he was striving for. And then, maybe he would turn more of his focus to us. I have no idea how long that might have taken… but I had that hope."

"I don't think it's silly," Suvi replied. "You just wanted a family. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without mine. And for what it's worth, I'm truly sorry for what you've lost, Sara." Again, the doctor placed a hand on her shoulder. Again, the touch elicited a wave of emotion. This time, Sara couldn't control the floodgates, but she didn't care anymore. She had just spilled her guts out to Suvi; if that hadn't brought judgement upon her, a few tears wouldn't, either. Sara simply hung her head as the tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I just can't believe he's gone. He always had a vision. I looked up to it. Scott, even if he wouldn't admit it, looked up to it. And now he's gone."

"The man may be, but that doesn't mean the vision is gone. If anyone can carry on that vision, it's you, Sara." The pathfinder found the repeated use of her name strangely comforting. Most people just called her Ryder, as they did Scott and her father. The name didn't carry the greatest stigma.

"And if I may… I mean no offense to Cora, but he passed on the title to you instead of someone that trained for years to be the next in line. He believed in you. The man with a vision second only to Jien Garson— _he believed in you,_ Sara. And for what it's worth… I do, too." Sara turned her eyes to the doctor for the first time since she had entered the room. Suvi's expression was sincere. She had almost made Sara want to believe in herself as well.

"Thank you, Suvi," Sara replied softly. "That means a lot. Not a whole lot of people telling me that right now…"

"They will," Suvi replied, her tone changing from comforting to motivating. "They will, because you're the pathfinder. You're going to find us a home. I know you will, and everyone on this crew knows it, too." It was almost cheesy, the way Suvi tried to rally her pathfinder. For the first time since landing on habitat 7, it made Sara smile.

"Thank you. Really," Sara said, picking up a napkin on the table to dab at her cheeks with. "I have no idea how the hell I'm going to do this. But I'm going to try."

"That's all we need you to do, and you know we're with you every step of the way."

There was a moment of silence as Sara continued to clear the moisture from her cheeks and eyes.

"Well, I should get back to the bridge. I told Kallo I'd only be gone for a moment, and I'm afraid it's been a tiny bit longer," Suvi said, standing and pulling the tea bag from her cup. She dropped it in the trash on her way to the door.

"Hey, Suvi?" Sara called out as she was almost through the door. The doctor turned to look at the girl once more.

"Yes?" Sara hesitated for a moment, then looked back to her.

"…Thank you. Just… Thank you. It means a lot."

"Anytime… _pathfinder,_ " Suvi replied, smiling. She turned and headed left out of the galley to avoid using ladders.

Sara took one last deep breath, then picked up her cold tea and chugged it. She stood and left the room, heading back to her quarters. She felt revitalized. Her headache was gone, and there were reports to look over before they reached Eos.


End file.
